sometimes when you love people you lose yourself for them. you tuck yourself neatly into the folds of your skin and the back of your ears hoping they wont see you. you say the “right” words. at the “right” time. you smile and talk politely back to people whose existence you’re indifferent to. you meet the “right” people. have the “right” friends and even date the “right” men.
all the time you are itching within your skin. you are dying to break out. come clean. wear your many bangles that they so strongly dissaprove of. put your studs back on because they do not know that after 21 years you finally got your ears pierced without their consent. but you only pierced the top of your ears so the folds could hide the holes when you went home to visit. you want to wear your tiny shorts and your cropped tops that you make yourself because you’d rather stay in and play “fashion designer” than join the world. but you know they will not approve of your bare legs and your beautiful flat tummy being paraded out. instead they will feel “disrespected” and ask you what the church and their friends will think of them should they see you “half dressed”. so you will cover up. you will try to feel beautiful in their clothes and fail.
you want to tell them that you smoke. that sometimes when the world is standing on you it’s the tobacco that calms you down, even if only for a few minutes. you want to tell them that you want to spend your life writing poetry, sipping coffee and reading books. you want to tell them you’re not an economist and you probably will never be able to fully understand the subject even though you are in your third year of it. you will tell them that you want to be a psychologist and they will tell you there is money in economics and that will be the end of that.
sometimes when you love people you hide yourself in poems and bits of pieces of writing that you find freedom in. sometimes you go home on holiday and you leave yourself packed neatly at the bottom of your suitcase.