FOR THE COURAGEOUS…I’M A COWARD.

Today I met a girl who said she had been sexually violated from the age of 8 until she was 17. when she was in grade ten she overdosed on her anti-depressants. She says she woke up in ICU at 4am all alone in the dark. She thought that’s what being dead was. Darkness. Maybe that’s what being dead is. When I think of death I always think of nothingness. I do not know why she was telling me all this. All I wanted from her was a cigarette and random conversation on how shit school was and how the assignment we’re handing in tomorrow was riding the hell out of us. I found myself sharing with her things I do not share with strangers when i’m sober. We compared our therapists and found it disturbing how much information they wrote in our files. I wondered what mine writes. She said the kind of situation she has is the kind one goes to therapy for for a long time. I said the one I have is the kind I try to avoid going to therapy for incase I find myself strapped onto a straight jacket. But I still go. I give up enough information sometimes to not get me into an institution. Other times I let myself go, i empty myself. She said the only people that end up in institutions are those that try to kill themselves. I said I haven’t felt that way in a long time. Suicide is for the courageous. I’m a coward. I’ve never been brave enough to wake up at 4am surrounded by darkness.

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2 thoughts on “FOR THE COURAGEOUS…I’M A COWARD.

  1. Just found this and hope you don’t really mean that. Cowards are the ones who take the easy way out by committing suicide. It’s so much harder to keep living, trying to get through the dark times and I think it takes a fighter and a lot of courage to do that.

  2. i get you. maybe i was not desperate enough when i decided i’d do it. maybe it was my will to see a future that i had no idea would hold much for me that made it hard. i do not know this. but i was scared shitless when the time i thought i’d be ready came. but now, i’m glad i’m living. i may not be alive in a lot of ways. but i’m living 🙂

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