Abandonment

last night in the middle of talking about our lives, my housemate asked me if i am capable of loving someone, anyone, wholly. abandoning myself fully to their “love”. note that this man has known me for over five years and his question was born out of him knowing me and the relationships i have been in. 

i told him i am not sure of this. right now i know i cannot. but i dont know about the future. i’d like to “fall” grow in “love” someday. i like the idea of love. i think it’s beautiful. just as much as i like the idea of weddings because they too are beautiful, but do i want to get married? right now i also dont think so.

his question got me evaluating my life and the relationships i’ve been in. i realised that love is different with every relationship i’ve been in. one love may be handsome with a lovely sense of humour and the other not so aesthetically pleasing but with a mind that sets yours on fire. love may treat you like a queen whilst the other love may equate you to the woman who broke him and so everything he does is pay back.

sometimes love may be “like” and you do not know this because you told yourself you are not looking for it and even if it is looking for you you do not want it to find you. you convinced yourself that you do not need it and really you do not. you cannot feel things right now and this too works in your favour. because no matter how deep he looks into your eyes or how he reaches into the sheets to hold your hand during the sad scene in a movie, you feel nothing but “like”. 

i fear vulnerability. i fear standing naked with nothing but my emotions covering my privates. i fear reading my poetry in crowds where people will know they are about me. so i use words like “you” and “she” to describe the people in my work, never “i” or “me”. i do not fear love. there is nothing vulnerable about love. only strength exists there.  

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