The thing about being me

The thing about being me is that society has made it such that I cannot be complete unless I have someone loving me and reminding me that I am beautiful, that I am loved, that my existence matters.

The men that I want are either with someone else, too far away or just emotionally unavailable and we know that emotionally unavailable men are the type of men you want to keep away from your soul. The thing about me and the men I like is my emotional unavailabity. My inability to respond emotionally. My ability to emotionally un avail and distance myself from potential brokenness and falling crescendos of dissapointment.

And I have evolved. I have moved from a 16 year old teenage girl that spent half a decade with a man she thought she would spend her whole life with. A man that got another woman pregnant who I still supported through that and was willing to do whatever she could do to help that other woman carrying a child that should have been hers. please note that this is not the full story. The full story is far much more complicated and boring and painful.

I have evolved into the type of woman that does not believe in monogamity I am aware that that is not a word. But you will accept this . I have been loving men that belong to other people. I have been loving men that belong to their mothers and their fathers and to the world. I have been making them aware that all I want from them is the intimacy they can offer me and not necessarily the sex or their souls. I have been making it known that their bodies and what they choose to do with them in relation to other women is their business.

But I go home, I get to cinemas and watch these love things that I am such a sucker for and I realise that maybe a part of me wants more. Maybe a part of me wants someone I can call mine. Someone that won’t take my “you can be with other women” too seriously.

Maybe a part of me is longing to meet someone who wants to meet my soul and be with it because it says things that makes sense to theirs. Maybe a part of me is just longing for someone to chase after them and stop them from getting a flight that will have them miles away.

I am talking alcohol things. But my soul knows that maybe it is meant to be this way. Maybe my soul understands that monogamy and you-belonging-to-me-me-belonging to you are just movie things. Unreal things that belong in cinemas and books and in my dreams.

I don’t know mahn. I’ve been drinking and I’ve been lonely. That is all I know. Y’all have a good night and if y’all are loving people that love you, stick with them. If you are loving people that are not yours, do you. But you will end up here someday, you will end up searching for more in places where nothing but darkness exists. If you end up in a place with lots of lights hold onto those lights, load-shedding is real out here and the lights may dim out.

Take care of yourselves my lovely people. Don’t go drinking and writing emotional things that you will post up on social things and will be regretting in the morning. Basically, don’t be me.

L

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