Among other disorders ofcourse.
I reccently (last month) had a terrible mental break down that had me wanting to end my life. The noise in my head got too loud one day and unlike most days, i became too tired to fight for my life.
There are things within my life that I neglected to attend to many many years ago. There are things that happened that one part of me does not remember too well and the part of me that remembers will not let me go back to those particular days and remember. On most days i am grateful for the lack of memory as it’s the only thing that allows me to function at work.
With the help of an amazing therapist, i started to unpack all the mess in my head and it has been the most overwhelming and emotionally exhausting experience of my life. The un-packing, the remembering has on some days got so unbearable that i would look at myself in the mirror and not recognize myself. I was beginning to see that i had somehow re-created this image or persona of myself that was not real and didnt really exist when i was on my own.
My biggest awakening was discovering, or acknowledging that i had social anxiety disorder. My “battle” with depression and self harm has been something i was aware of and had been fighting for a long time. But this one just brought me to my knees. For two reasons: I had been lying to myself about who i was all this time and a lot of things about my life and how i behaved all of a sudden started to make sense.
I started to see myself from the outside in, almost as if i had been looking at myself from the wrong angle all this time. And EVERYTHING started to make sense.
A List of Things I Have Learned About Myself
- I am not as carefree, “superchilled” or lacking in emotion as a lot of people think i am. I am actually very very vulnerable. Like a paper doll. I fold in the gaze of society. And i feel a lot.
- If we meet in a social setting and i appear to be having a good time and talking to people, i am probably REALLY drunk.
- I play back conversations i have had with people during the day when i get home at night. I remember everything that people say to me about me or about themselves. I mostly obssess about things that i said to them, and how i said it or if i could have said it better.
- I dropped out of varsity in my final year because i was “tired” or didnt like the educational system because it “oppressed” me. This is partly true, but i realise now that i have never liked school. I was ALWAYS anxious about going to school. Mingling with other kids made me nervous.
I do not like cereal (cornflakes in particular) because i have come to transfer the anxiety i had for school to the food i ate in the morning before school.
- I do not hate driving because humans on the road are annoying. I hate driving because it makes me really anxious and i have had panic attacks on the road. I get sick and have to stop the car and gather myself. I do not want to experience these emotions every day so i choose not to drive.
- Public transport scares me. The thought of sharing a small space with other humans overwhlems me so much that if i cant afford to get an uber or a bajaji i would not leave the house.
- I do not like any form of attention. I prefer to walk through life unnoticed. My first collection of poetry came out this year and i havent done a launch. The thought of even putting a launch together makes me so sick that i would rather just keep all my books in my house and not share them.
Also why i have always hated birthdays. Too much attention.
- I become a mess around other people. Even at work. I work in media as an advertiser. I tend to have lots of ideas and thoughts going on in my mind for clients but i never share them. I have solutions to a lot of things that i do not share.
Unless i have to.